Posts Tagged ‘science’

Imagine if I could feed the world … with SONG!

That almost is a song.

My voice filling the airways, filling stomachs – when usually, it does the opposite: see

Check out the dying days of the Joe Chip Empire here

Soon there will be no more hunger!

At the JC Laboratory, we were discussing the most cost effective distribution methods.  A colleague, who I shall simply refer to as bucket head, was working on piped toothpaste.  In the fight against decay, he wanted there to be no excuse that the tube had just run out, and wished to pipe toothpaste into every dwelling in the land, just as radio was piped into every dwelling in Soviet Moscow (who knows what plaque causing program people might tune into if they had a radio they could control).  Cost estimates for the infrastructure were proving prohibitive, when I realised how to do it cheaply – CGI pipes!  CGI pipes required no digging, just an initial investment in software, most of which we could surely steal from somewhere.  If we wait until ‘The Simpons’ finally finishes, there will be untold Korean animators available to assist in this project.  If they were coupled (asexually of course, this is not that sort of blog) with their North Korean counterparts who, when they are not building “satellite rockets” and “peaceful nukes”, are simply hacking into everything going, that would solve the problem plus reunite the Korean peninsula.  Yes!  We are rolling out the patents now, so don’t try to get in ahead of us. Plus, we have our own peaceful nukes, and own the rights to most of your DNA, and you wouldn’t want us to withdraw your access now, would you?

The next stage will be edible CGI.  I know, I know, the technology is not there yet, but soon, we will be beyond the mere confectionery stage (where we are with 3D at the moment), and a credible edible food source will be available anywhere there is the internet.

Now I know what you are thinking.  Not everybody deserves to eat.  They don’t work hard enough, they don’t pay taxes, they already get enough government hand outs.  We plan to set up a think tank on this with Romney Corp (hey, I have to prepare for my retirement too!)  Mr Romney never said there were people who weren’t worth feeding.  He just said there were people who shouldn’t have government sponsored cordon bleu shovelled down their throats.  Who can argue with that?  We are just looking at a bare level of nutrition, to keep everyone going, but not that they would enjoy.  Think of it this way: we will give 3D films to the whole world, but we won’t be distributing any glasses.  That way, we keep the hungry happy (well, happy-ish, with their stomachs full, but blurry), and we don’t upset the rich too much either!

(For other developments in the World of Chip, look here.  your mate would appreciate any help on the spam thing.)

Forgive me please, I have tried.  I try to be good.  I want to save the planet, the trees, the whales.  I believe in conservation, I really do.  I am a nice shade of light green.  However, no matter how hard I try, I cannot eat recycled food.  If food has already been digested by someone else, I just can’t eat it.  I know it’s the future, I know it is necessary, but I cannot do it.

 

What is wrong with me?  Does this make me a bad person?

Never put other people’s eyes in your mouth, you never know where they’ve seen.

Hey, I’m a manly man*.  I know its cool to suck on eyeballs and then crunch down and pop them so gunk flows out, but I confess, I just can’t do it.  I can’t eat something that something else has been looking out.  Except perhaps a window.  But that’s for another post.

(However, it is ok to lick the blind.  But not a window blind.  Ironic?  No, just stupid.)

*says me.

Someone at the lab remarked just the other day “isn’t it funny how we don’t eat rocks?”.  We do indirectly of course in that plants obtain nutrients from the earth, but we are heartily sick of plants being our middle man.  Person.  Sorry.  Like with that great social evil, photosynthesis.  Our teeth are made of stern stuff here (stainless steel – we have the technology, we can rebuild ourselves – some people get tattoos, we pick a bone every year to have replaced), so we weren’t afraid to chomp down.

We found that a lot of rocks are actually unpleasant to eat.  In our region, there are many sedimentary rocks, so we had a diet based around sandstone.  Its very gritty, isn’t it? Sure, a high fibre content, and like the emu, our stomachs now have lots of little buddies to assist with grinding down the other more ordinary food.  Its just that the little bits hang around in your mouth for days afterward.

Much of the soil we consumed was of little nutritional value.  There was no ice age here to grind down metres of rock and release nutrients and minerals, so while eating, one had the sense of one’s mouth being filled with great eons of time, which is a bit creepy, and the sensation of cold winds sweeping across iceless deserts.  Howling spaces.  Call it Gondwana-mouth.  Some rocks and ores were denied to us completely.  Gina Rinehart owns all the iron ore and has promised it to the Chinese, so we were stuck with sampling rust, which is not the same thing at all.

Perhaps we should have imported a greater variety of rocks to sample.  As a multicultural society, it is not clear to me why newcomers to our great southland have not brought a wide range of rocks from their homelands with them.  This is a subject worthy of greater sociological study.  Our government should be encouraging immigration from more geologically interesting societies.  We are sick of bland anglo-saxon and western european rocks.  Surely there is some ethnic rock out there that tastes like chicken?  Now that would be a scientific discovery.

…the horror…

…the horror…

Reader, I cheat again, but you will see why if you click here

Here at the Joe Chip Laboratories, we try not to eat the living.  or even bits of the living.  And you wonder how the zombie apocalypse is actually going to start – its going to be with guys like these.

“Ma, I don’ feel so well.”

“You look awful – you bin eatin’ anything strange?”

“I didn’t eat it, it were only in my mouth but a moment.”

“Well Bubba stop chewin on me!”

[HP Lovecraft would envy my dialogue.]

Stolen from Mr Battersby.

Hair don’t taste like chicken,

except for chicken hair, which is very rare,

because chickens grow feathers most everywhere.

.

Useless reptilian descendants,

scratching round, pecking the ground,

you’re just the dinosaur’s genetic burial mound.

.

Pointless hairless, flightless birds,

can’t feed your children with lactation,

have you absolutely no mammalian aspiration?

.

Eek eek.

Baby.