Posts Tagged ‘politics’

Imagine if I could feed the world … with SONG!

That almost is a song.

My voice filling the airways, filling stomachs – when usually, it does the opposite: see

Check out the dying days of the Joe Chip Empire here

Soon there will be no more hunger!

At the JC Laboratory, we were discussing the most cost effective distribution methods.  A colleague, who I shall simply refer to as bucket head, was working on piped toothpaste.  In the fight against decay, he wanted there to be no excuse that the tube had just run out, and wished to pipe toothpaste into every dwelling in the land, just as radio was piped into every dwelling in Soviet Moscow (who knows what plaque causing program people might tune into if they had a radio they could control).  Cost estimates for the infrastructure were proving prohibitive, when I realised how to do it cheaply – CGI pipes!  CGI pipes required no digging, just an initial investment in software, most of which we could surely steal from somewhere.  If we wait until ‘The Simpons’ finally finishes, there will be untold Korean animators available to assist in this project.  If they were coupled (asexually of course, this is not that sort of blog) with their North Korean counterparts who, when they are not building “satellite rockets” and “peaceful nukes”, are simply hacking into everything going, that would solve the problem plus reunite the Korean peninsula.  Yes!  We are rolling out the patents now, so don’t try to get in ahead of us. Plus, we have our own peaceful nukes, and own the rights to most of your DNA, and you wouldn’t want us to withdraw your access now, would you?

The next stage will be edible CGI.  I know, I know, the technology is not there yet, but soon, we will be beyond the mere confectionery stage (where we are with 3D at the moment), and a credible edible food source will be available anywhere there is the internet.

Now I know what you are thinking.  Not everybody deserves to eat.  They don’t work hard enough, they don’t pay taxes, they already get enough government hand outs.  We plan to set up a think tank on this with Romney Corp (hey, I have to prepare for my retirement too!)  Mr Romney never said there were people who weren’t worth feeding.  He just said there were people who shouldn’t have government sponsored cordon bleu shovelled down their throats.  Who can argue with that?  We are just looking at a bare level of nutrition, to keep everyone going, but not that they would enjoy.  Think of it this way: we will give 3D films to the whole world, but we won’t be distributing any glasses.  That way, we keep the hungry happy (well, happy-ish, with their stomachs full, but blurry), and we don’t upset the rich too much either!

(For other developments in the World of Chip, look here.  your mate would appreciate any help on the spam thing.)

Well, there was going to be a blog about what bullets taste like, and it was going to start with a mock complaint:

Thank you fascists, blocking scientific progress yet again

and a rant about how the local authorities had stopped us testing bullets because of so-called safety concerns, and a whinge about the nanny-state, and how regulation forces bullet tasting underground.  Bullets would turn out to be crunchy and bit peppery, because they add spice to life.

My poor attempts at satire are inappropriate, yet again, in wake of another peace-time massacre.  Its not my country, perhaps not my place to say anything, and what do these few words read by even less people mean in the face of so much suffering.

I live in a country that has many failings.  We are a capitalist, mixed economy, which is muddling along, and has weathered the various incarnations of the GFC pretty well.  If an American was to visit, and of course many do, I doubt that they would feel that we were much in danger of being overtaken by either communists or fascists, or that the populace was particularly oppressed.  We have a good standard of living, low inflation, low unemployment, clean-ish air, and a whole lot of things we could do better.  We also have what they would probably call socialized medicine, and strict gun controls.  Those two things make our lives better, not worse, and are not sending us on the way to being North Korea.  I know its not something I can convince anyone of, but if you lived it, you would see that it was true.  The gun fetish in particular can only be described as weird, to outside observers.

Guns don’t kill people.  Mostly, its the bullets.

After extensive experimentation in the Chip Laboratory, it has been determined that despite many claims being made about their inherent nature, flags are essentially flavourless.  It is the nature of a flag that it may be likened to a thin bland filo pastry, dependent upon that which it envelops for its flavour.  A flag may be an encasing on a sausage roll, or it may have a fruity filling.  A flag may also be thought of as tofu, useful for soaking up the flavours in a laksa, but otherwise, bleh, what is the point.

A flag may also have other useful qualities.  In Glossolalia, they are often flown from expensive (and unnecessary) utes*, so that upon awakening from a drunken stupor, the driver knows what country they are in.  However, my view is that there should be very little call for a nation’s flag to be flown within the borders of that nation.  Really, the only flags that should be flown are those of other countries, at their embassies for example.  Otherwise, one could just have a piece of material with the word “FLAG” printed on it, because barring some damage to brain, we all know what it is.  The only flags for domestic purposes should be those associated with the things that separate us, not the things that bind us, like flags for sporting teams or service organisations (you know, like Lions will kill Rotary, that sort of thing), or schools or perhaps class (for example, a flag signifying ‘intelligentsia of working class origin’, which can also be signified by lack of a Porsche, I have found).

National flags are excellent for Olympics and in association with killing foreigners, that makes perfect sense, it is the domestic use of national flags that puzzles me.  One’s neighbours may fly flags from their homes to prove their patriotism.  I would prefer it if they paid their taxes and reported all suspicious behaviour to the authorities.  I see politicians adorned with them, sports persons draped in them, young men with them tattooed on their necks.  My favourite is seeing children ignoring them.  It is disrespectful to burn a flag and I do not approve of that, but there are many other things of which I disapprove more.  However, these are my personal opinions and have nothing to do with my expert taste testing laboratories.

Flags taste only of other things.  They can taste of virtue, hope, respect, eagerness and pride.  Sometimes they have crunchy centres that taste of avarice, cowardice and hypocrisy.  In too many of the flags we tasted, all other tastes were overwhelmed by blood.  However, we have determined beyond doubt that a flag can certainly taste like chicken.

(The Joe Chip portal has been updated and can be observed by clicking here.  Please have a look, there is a nice picture of a falcon on a power pole.)

*perhaps you refer to them as pickups or bakkes – the little trucks favoured by persons of trade, and also by other persons who have no need for such a truck.