Posts Tagged ‘evolution’

Hair don’t taste like chicken,

except for chicken hair, which is very rare,

because chickens grow feathers most everywhere.


Useless reptilian descendants,

scratching round, pecking the ground,

you’re just the dinosaur’s genetic burial mound.


Pointless hairless, flightless birds,

can’t feed your children with lactation,

have you absolutely no mammalian aspiration?


Eek eek.



Those of you who have been subscribing to the analytical reports of the Chip Laboratories since ancient times know of our well founded efforts to ethicise (ha! take that, dictionary) omnivorism.  We are trying folks, we really are.  We have put all of this week’s grant money into considering balloon animals.

Some of you maybe scoffing, as you associate these creatures with parlour games and carnivals.  However, I am not talking about simple domesticated balloon animals.   I am talking about great sweeping herds of massive fortean creatures, blocking the sun on their nomadic trek as passenger pigeons once did sweeping across America.  And no, there would be no reliance on foul, poisonous oxygen.  These are great helium or methane filled beasts, nodding and swaying as they are blown by the currents of wind, just as giant jelly fish are swept across oceans.  Picture them now in your mind, see them billowing and filling the sky.  Tremendous storms of them.  The wondrous sight of them as they rail against the elements, indeed as they rail against their own ridiculous existence.  Observing them as over time they are pitted by hail, scarred by lightning.  And the wonder of them is that their pseudo life is no life at all, it is a mere impersonation.  Brave balloon bound hunters shall pursue them without ethical quandary, intrepid mountaineers shall stalk them to their winter homes, small children and we here at the laboratory shall wonder at them.

O!  If only we could get some nutrition into their skins!  Some flavour into the rubber.  Some texture into their form.  And find some way to stop giant sea turtles from choking on them in their thousands when they critters deflate and drop into the sea.  Perhaps it is impossible.  But is not the dream as important as any mere actuality?  At least this dream can unite us all, omnivores, carnivores, vegetarians, vegans, fruitarians, lacto-vegetarians, lacto-ovo-vegetarians, pescetarians, pollotarians, and pollo-pescetarians, the dream of the hunt of the giant pseudo-beasts in the sky that can sustain us all without troubling our consciences.

Until then, at least we have salad.

[“Life’s Solution” by Simon Conway Morris, p112 ‘Fortean bladders’]

No don’t be disgusting, I am not advocating that you eat insects, that would be gross and it is not what your mate my mate Joe Chip is about.

We have all of course at one time or another wished that we were insects.  Who has not wanted to be a cockroach with the ability to run under the fridge, or to be a fly mindlessly belting time and again against a window?  A slater rolled in a ball, a moth struggling in a web.  It is only human nature to desire such a thing.

Given this overwhelming urge to become a six legged invertebrate, why not take it that one step further and adopt the insect diet.  It is more insectophile than insectivore.  No diet could be more ethical, than to eat what is just lying around and going to waste anyway.  It is only our prissiness holding us back.  Don’t be square.  Throw off your bourgeois shackles, your antiquated “oh I won’t eat that its rotting and it stinks” mindset, your 1950s Victorian hangups.  This is (almost) the last taboo, and it has to go.  Our children are getting sick because they are not exposed to enough dirt.  Asthma and allergies abound because we have cocooned our kids in protective cradles that crush the creation of their immune systems.

Come on, billions of animals cannot be wrong.  Reduce your carbon footprint to zero.  Embrace excrement.  Desire decomposition.  Revere rot.  Gratify yourself with garbage.  Move over mealworms.  Begone beetles.  Buzz-off bees.  Move on mosquitoes.  Take off termites.  Aroint thee ants.  There is a new biological break down agent in town, and its us.  If an insect eats it, its good for you, and good for the environment.  Devolve now, avoid the rush.

Crocodiles taste like chicken, but that is easily explained.  In captivity, they are only fed chickens, so there you go.  In the wild, they eat zebras and water buffalo, but of course the staple diet of both of those animals is chicken.  (Water buffalo actually eat the ducks that parasitically infest their wallows, but as we all know, “duck” is simply the popular term for marine chicken.)

Plans were afoot by Hare Krishnas to open a zoo.  They intended to house a range of animals, including large carnivores.  They intended to convert lions and tigers, even crocodiles, to a vegetarian diet.  While I am sure they can do wonderful things with tofu these days, the Hare Krishnas were realistic enough to know they would not be able to reverse millions of years of evolution overnight, so they sought to enter arrangements with dairy farmers and other owners of large animals, to use the carcasses for feed if the animals died.  I’m not sure how long the lions could hold on waiting for Daisy to pass away naturally, especially if the local farmers were particularly capable at caring for their stock.  However, the crocodiles could wait a long while.

I do not know what became of these plans (I have a notoriously short attention span), but if you see any shaven headed, saffron clad folk collecting road kill in your vicinity, this may explain it.

HG Wells was right.  Sunlight is for wimps, for plants and other photosynthesizers and their sympathisers who have not had the sense to evolve sturdier systems.  Look at the danger the planet is in.  We need to cover all exposed surfaces with massive arrays of photo-voltaic cells.  The strong can build a new society underground, where it takes will to prevail.  There will always be the fey, the art-fart, the weak.  No one is suggesting cruelty.  They will be free to roam the outer skin of the world, living their unproductive lives, floating about free and unburdened by responsibility, like beautiful fatuous celebrities.  Occasionally we may need to deal with them harshly for recreational purposes, keeping an eye out for any time travelling Rod Taylors or Guy Pearces (what is it with Australians and The Time Machine?), who may seek to interfere (only because they do not understand, if only they understood).  And eventually a Morlock may wonder whether it is sunlight that makes the Eloi flesh taste like … something familiar.

Oh well … one can dream …

Lets stay with plain old chicken eggs here, because it is the most blatant example.  Eggs do not taste like chicken.  Its amazing, a scientific marvel.  Given all of the things in the world that taste like chicken, eggs do not.

You’ve seen the advertisements.  Eggs for a balanced diet.  Eggs for a healthy breakfast.  Chickens are primitive creatures, very similar in their structure to microbes and trees.  They have only one hole they use for reproduction and waste.  Two things come out of a cloaca, eggs and chicken poo.  Usually they are mixed together.  There is no scientific distinction between eggs and chicken poo.  You want this for breakfast?

But if you must eat eggs, be careful only to eat eggs from chickens kept in safe, controlled conditions, in cages in factories, where the eggs are carefully monitored and protected.  Never, never eat eggs from wild chickens, also called “free range”, which are exposed to nature and all the horrors attendant on that – disease, vermin, filth, excrement, air pollution, and so on.

What came first, the chicken or the egg?  The egg of course, the first chicken egg being dropped from the pooper valve of some even more primitive almost chicken.

That explains it.  Eggs don’t taste like chicken; eggs taste like evolution.