I have had widespread communication with many on the blogospheriumacle regarding issues relating to diet and food and personal hygiene and bones.  “Hey, mymatejoechip”, begin a number of the requests to me, “can you please help.  I am a vegan/vegetarian, that is the way I am hard-wired and there is nothing I can do about it.  Even if I tried to put meat into my mouth, the Elder Gods would turn it into grass, water and sunlight, which tends to burn my tongue and feel uncomfortable.  I don’t want to apologise for who I am, but I am sick of nut cutlets.  What do you advise?”

Firstly, I advise never to apologise.  It is taken as a sign of weakness.  We are who we are.  Be proud.  But don’t be annoying.

Secondly, have you read my posts?  Why are you asking me for advice?

Thirdly, what did you do to piss off the Elder Gods so much?  Do you sense things moving just at the edge of your vision as you try to go to sleep at night?  Do you find personal items to be not quite where you left them?  You may not have much time left.

Fourthly, yes, I will help.  Of course I will.  I am your mate.  (But only with the eating.  Not with the demons so much.)

To get some perspective, I made contact with a vegan person whose post compared a barbecue to the Holocaust, to ask if she ever used antibiotics.  “All the time” she assured me.  Given that she used them so often, I wondered if it was part of a plan to destroy the efficacy of antibiotics through overuse, the sacrifice of several trillion bacteria now to guarantee the long term survival of their race.  “No” she replied, “I take them to stop being sick”.  “So vegans do not have a prohibition on germ warfare?”  “No, we only object to the enslavement and consumption of sentient beings.”

I learned a good deal through that intercourse.  There will come a time when GM produces non-sentient meat so that everyone will be happy.  Vegans will be able to eat like everyone else, and they won’t annoy omnivores by making barbecues difficult.  Until that day, it is up to me to assist.  And I have the solution: germ sausages.

With a small grant from Trevgene (and a large smirk from it’s proprietor), I have set up a laboratory to produce germ sausages.  You are all aware of my long held interest in the microbial.  Now I can put it to use to feed mankind, in particular those suffering the effects of dietary restrictions.  The process is in its early stages, however even now we are encouraging bacterial colonies to grow in sausage shapes, and in sufficient quantities.  Tiny sausages you can only see under a microscope may be cute, but they are not appropriate for sale in butchers.  We are using only wild, free-range microbes, nothing that has been caged or factory harvested, and to date we are mostly concentrating on strands that are relatively harmless to humans.

If you want to try this at home, good luck, its for a good cause.  As a tip, I have found that the main difficulty is in getting the germ colonies large enough.  To achieve this, you need a good culture.  I can’t give away too many commercial secrets, however we use cow’s blood in ours*.  I hope to provide photographs soon.  Our main aim is to get them to taste like chicken.

If you have tried this, please let us know your results.  We welcome any suggestions of good bacteria to use.

*Taken only from wild cattle who are dripping blood and leaving a trail, after being accidentally cut by encounters in natural surroundings, or savaged by wild beasts before we got there.

  1. Vegan Rabbit says:

    As a vegan perhaps I can help you better understand exactly why it is morally acceptable to use antibiotics. Every living being has the right to defend itself when they are under attack – humans and bacteria alike. We live every day of our lives with literally billions of bacterial organisms in or on our bodies and we are able to coexist peacefully in a mutually beneficial relationship. However, sometimes we come into contact with bacteria that does not coexist with us. It attacks us and infects us. In this situation we must defend ourselves. This is in no way similar to humans confining defenseless animals in small cages and large feedlots and then brutally killing them for our own fleeting pleasure. You are comparing apples with oranges, and your writing isn’t nearly as “creative” as you think it is.

  2. […] since ancient times know of our well founded efforts to ethicise (ha! take that, dictionary) omnivorism.  We are trying folks, we really are.  We have put all of this week’s grant money into […]

  3. […]  Don’t tease vegans, they bite even though they will spit your blood […]

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