Yes, how droll. Lets pretend we are aliens, or funnier still, foreigners (they’re hilarious, or evil), and we are shocked as we walk through the supermarket.  Pet food?  Surely they don’t can and consume … their pets?  (Get the dried stuff if you need fibre.)  And what’s that?  Little canisters of powdered babies. (The tiny little puff bottles of powdered corn though, yuck, tastes nothing like corn. Or chicken.)  What is this?  A rejected script for ‘Allo ‘Allo?  Or “Mind Your Language”?

It is a truth universally acknowledged that it is more immoral to eat a dog than a chicken, so we will not even discuss that.  Thinking it through though, what better food though, than a pet?  A pet has been loved, well cared for, kept hygienically, and medicated to minimise parasites. And when you have eaten it, you can get another one. Eating pets encourages the market for inexpensive animals, so that we get away from the whole elitist pedigree in-breeding fascist rubbish. If they eat their pets, it saves pensioners from having to eat pet food.  This keeps them off the telly, and in the nursing home, where they belong.
This is why it is stupid to have weird pets, like burrowing roaches, tarantulas and scorpions. Because trust me, when the revolution comes, no one is leaving the table until they’ve finished their dinner, every last bite.


Scientists, I am ready for your peer review:

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